Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
