Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
