he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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