You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
