I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
