Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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