No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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