Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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