We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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