May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
