just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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