I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
