my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
