How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
