i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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