Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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