just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
