Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
