i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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