are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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