it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
