believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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