Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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