just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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