I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
