i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
