i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
