Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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