Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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