I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
