I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
