the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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