You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
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Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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