i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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