I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
