3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
