What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
