his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
