Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
