Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Two words: nipple clamps
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