i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
