I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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