Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
