I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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