Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
