i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
