3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Watching her eat just hurts me
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
