she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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