I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Thank you for not boning my boss.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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