The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
