How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
