he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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