woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
