If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
