Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
