He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
