So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
