I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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